"Utah Valley Pediatrics, this is Hannah..."

well hey.

catch up:

new job at the hospital; love it.

new home with new roommates; obsessed with it.

new goal; totally tackling it.

new brother-in-law; completely approve of it.

new hair; ya, i'm brunette now...nbd.

a lot more has happened and changed, but lets face it...you don't care.

i've been home alone for about two weeks now, with a brief intermission for a california christmas. if you know me well, you're aware of the fact that i adore good old fashioned alone time. i'm close to myself, i know what i like, more importantly, i know what i don't like...so i have a pretty good time on my own.

also, i'm single, so there's no one i have to answer to. i have a home, town, and life to myself this short while. and i won't lie, it's been awesome.

but.

being alone has awarded me some perspective on a life without loved ones.

say i didn't have a mother to call when i need to look busy while in an elevator with intimidating doctors.

say i didn't have a brother to text when i royally screw something up.

say i didn't have a sister to call and complain to when i hate everything and anything about life.

and say i didn't have a dad to run to when i realize just how small and helpless this 20 yr old girl really is.

what would you do? sure you have roommates, sure you have friends. but how far can they go to help? to the death like your family? absolutely not. and that's saying you're lucky enough to have selfless people around you daily.

if you lacked all aspects of a family in your life, i guarantee your wild, successful, bachelorette/bachelor lifestyle would be shadowed with a thin layer of sadness and longing. thin, making it difficult to identify.

so do yourself a favor and do what the Lord asks of us.

put your family before anything. put the goal of creating your family before anything.

pride, self-pity, jealousy, and anger have no place.

do away with them, and get close to your tribe, cause eternity is for freaking ever.

on a lighter note: i have 6 baby names picked out for myself already--middle name included.

embarrassing? yes. but more terrifying cause i'd have to have 6 kids to keep them all.

tragic.

i'm a little too in love with candles lately. feel a bit like i'm summoning my ancestors' spirits. mulan would totally be on board.

the holidays were pretty good this year. my family always surprises me at how funny they are. even if we weren't related, i'm positive i'd still be bff with syd and cal.

know any inexpensive dentists? that's the last step i take before i start sprinting.

that's all for now.

time for a steaming hot foot bath. i definitely stomped through shin-deep snow to get to my car after work. currently NOT feeling agreeable.

love etc.

Sunday

with syd being back, i have no one to write on sundays.

strangely i still have the urge to write/reflect on my life, so thank goodness for this silly thing.

i've had a good week.

followed some promptings, got mad blessings.

simple as that.

i have to move out of my apt the 20th and can't move into my new place til the 27th.

haha....ahhhhh ahahahah. aaahahahahah. this should be interesting.

i saw eat pray love yesterday.

oh man. i really wish i could spend time with liz. we speak the same language.

her life is an inspiration. the whole time while watching the movie, i was thinking, "man, if the missionaries got a hold of this woman, she could move mountains."

literally. she has energy, passion, vigor.

she's able to see how big she can become, yet remembering all the while how small she is.

a perfect balance of self confidence, and humility.

yea, i know it's just a movie based on a book. whatever.

it still forces you to take a look at your own crap.

what exactly do you do each day?

are you happy? are you even trying to find happiness?

if everyone in your life disappeared, would a "you" even remain? or are you so completely defined by those around you that you'd crumble in those first moments of desolation?

scary to think about.

for me, it changes day to day.

sometimes i feel the most powerful when i'm completely alone. sitting, walking, thinking. i'm very content in my own skin, in my own life, with my own relationship with my Heavenly Father. just as me. just hannah.

and then there are days when i'm with a sibling, or i'm talking to a parent on the phone, where i feel like i'm seven years old again...where if they left my side, i'd get scared, lost, and teary-eyed.

anyway....good thing we know what happens when we die.

someone tell liz.

there are some big things happening in my family right now. super exciting.

stressful, scary, but exciting.

it's way weird being two states away from those four freaks. i know for a fact that i'm supposed to be out here right now, but it does make me sad from time to time. especially with some of the changes that are rapidly taking place.

it's all good though. people are looking out for me...whether they know it or not.

one last thing from liz...and then i'll shut up. promise.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." (ahem...Heavenly Father..)

i love that.

so here's to life:

all the difficult, impossible pain that makes us breath deeper, see clearer, and love stronger.

observe the struggle, respect the crap, and reflect on the scars.

oh, and eat 4 krispy kreme at 2am.

i may or may not have done that last night :)

♥bird

Go to the Mattresses.

I went to the lake yesterday.
It was pretty legit, I won't lie.
But OH DANG. Some kind of Satan-Voldemort hybrid mosquito has ripped me to shreds.
I've seriously never had bites this bad. They're about four inches in diameter, mega swollen, and they hurt like no ones business. Well, my business I guess. But still.
I'm slightly worried because where the actual bite is, it's black.
Uhhhhh.

In other news..

MY SISTER IS HOME. It's ok I guess...
She's hilarious. Brilliant. Strong. Gorgeous. Silly. And most importantly, mine.
I can't wait for the next few months. Excellent things in store. That's for sure.

Life's been slightly irritating lately.
Making decisions is the worst. I'm quickly realizing that it's key in character growth, and spiritual exercise. The whole good, better, and best thing. It forces us to see what's most important. It forces us to move forward with faith in spite of any fears we may or may not have.
It's scary though, huh?
I second guess everything. I analyze everything.
I have these goals and dreams, but the little steps and tasks KILL me in the process.
I've had a lot of friends over the years, and I've seen how the smallest decision can aid, or thwart their once-set plans. It's shocking how a misplaced nail can make the entire house crumble.
So for now, I'll try to be patient with my stupid, immature, dweeb of a mind.
Hopefully you can be too.

I did my nails for the first time in...I don't know. Forever? I feel mega-girly. They're red. It's weird.

Summer's about to go into hibernation. I'm not happy, Bob.
However, the idea of seeing all my people again is insanely exciting. There's something about fall that I think resonates with everyone.
The scenery is fresh, new beginnings are under-way, and let's not forget bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils.
It's boss.

The other day I helped little Jackson Wilde with his spelling words.
It was the highlight of my week.
I swear, I'm going to have a bagillion kids. I can't get enough of them. They say some seriously funny things. And I can't help but smile when I hangout with them.
Obviously, there are moments when I'm around a heinous toddler who's screaming at an inhumane decibel, where I think "OH. NEVER. NEVEERRRR."
But then I see them reach up and grab hold of their mothers' elbow as if it's the only thing that they want, and my mind changes to "That's the only thing I want."
I think it'll all work out.

That's about it.
Football's starting up soon. Happy.
Amazing things are at my fingertips. Anxious.
I'm proving myself to myself these days. Intimidating.
Just working hard isn't enough anymore. Game on.

This little lambs' becoming a lion :)

CTR lovers.

-h

finally.

this is what i've missed.

this is what i love.

♥

it's been a good week, people.

Ummmm

California is incredible.

...to be continued.

watch yourself.

i don't like being lied to.
blatant lies, white lies, or, my least favorite, half truths.
why do people feel comfortable lying to others? does it not occur to them that the truth can and will come to the surface?
plain and simple: don't lie.
the aftermath is embarrassing. and leaves you looking like a straight fool.
yes, you look like a fool.

...anyway...

the world cup was fantastic. our boys were inspiring. legends in the making, to say the least.
the outcomes reminded me of some of my high school games. the frantic energy that comes when you're looking at a "must-comeback" situation. that unmatched high that comes when you get the job done. you and your team, making it happen. making the impossible happen. it's a feeling i miss.
it's made me realize that i want to constantly live my life fueled with that emotion. my daily life. not just the moments where intensity and courage are required, but the moments where they're not even expected. where they seem almost foolish for showing up. cause the way i see it? every day can be seen as remarkable. as historic. as a story that i can not only remember to tell my kids, but i'll want to tell my kids. so hannah starts now. try it with me?

i'm really loving summer. i think i'm just happier over-all when the sun is shining on my face.
mosquitos bites on the other hand? not a fan. it's a life-long struggle. i went hot tubbing for fifteen minutes the other night, and left with about 7 bites.
war zone.

i've been trying to be more open to boys lately.
whoa, what?
yea. i know. weird.
if you know me, you know i'm not a fan of meeting/dating random people etc.
but yes. i'm trying.
so far, i find it exhausting. stressful. a bit on the annoying side, but still good i'd say.
i see these loud flirty girls all over the place, jumping from one guy to the next. how do they do it? how do they trust people so readily, and put themselves out there so easily?
i think i'm a pessimist at heart. i assume the worst from guys when i first meet them. it's wired into my brain that they'll hurt me, use me, or waste my time.
don't think that i'm rude...i've simply gained this knowledge through experience.
so the game plan: make new experiences so that the old ones become obsolete.
or something like that.
whatever.

in twelve days, i'll be home in california. in thirteen days, i'll be home in california with mom, dad, syd, and cal. all {five} of us. unreal? yes. the youngest of the wilks couldn't be happier about this. do you guys understand how funny the four of them are? a wilks family dinner is like last comic standing. minus some painfully bad one-liners and the over priced judges. but keep the good lighting. chistiana has good taste in lamps.
they really are amazing.
and i love that i can say "if you know them, you know me"
how many people can say that? or would want to say that?
hannah bird wilks lucked out in heaven.

one more thing...
being nice to everyone makes you powerful.
so try it.
show some love. show some respect. show some humanity.
it builds muscle.
"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well" -Voltaire.

-h

Change

Here's the issue at hand.
Courtney and I are both little homemakers.
This results in about 56,984 desserts a week.
We love to cook, bake etc.

Sure, this will be great when we have our little babies running around and we're making Sunday dinner for our sleepy husbands.

Until then: moderation.

So, here's our latest regime.
Drink: 1 gallon of water a day
Bake: only one dessert a week (on Sunday)
Eat: fruits and vegetables every single day
Exercise: every day of the week
Bedtime: no later than 1am
Wake:Up: 9am or earlier
Yoga: 3 times a week
Sauna: 2 times a week

So far, I'm in love with it. She is too.

I get to see my mom in a few days :)
This, is a good, good thing.
Especially because we'll be in Park City.
I don't know why, but I really love that place.
Reminds me of Napa I think.

Provo summer's are fabulous.
Here's a taste.
Just a taste though.
Moderation, baby ;)

Freedom Festival fireworks

Twins game in MN

Cali roadtrip...disastrous

4 Wilks in MN


ps - I saw "Killers" a few days ago. Pleasantly surprised.
Celtics - depressing :(
Soccer - yet again, proving to be the greatest sport known to man.

Time to drink more water.
♥u
h

M.I.A.

life: busy.
travels: too frequent.
sydney: 46 days.
honky: live-in friend.
hating: insomnia.
loving: tan skin.
craving: Screamin' Mimi's galaxy ice cream.

hmm.

also, i'm in love with this 'little kid summer' i got goin on.
aka badminton, bubbles, bike rides, and basketball are all too common these days.

k maybe it's a 'b summer'...?

i got a new phone. but of course it's givin me strugs. just like all technology.
i like it though :)

talked to my home bishop...papers can go in oct. 11.
so stoked.
a little nervski though.

(honks is currently brushing her teeth with an electric toothbrush...to me it just sounds like she's shaving her beard).

random: mayonnaise mask on your hair...15 minutes...it's magic.
gnarly random: avacado mask on your face...15 minutes...lethal hives. not cool.

life's perf right now.
if you're hating yours, go buy a water gun, frisbee, and a watermelon.
try to stay angry.
i dare ya.

happy june ♥

-bird

Home Isn't Where The Heart Is

At this moment, I am happy.

I'm sitting in my parents' home in beautiful Santa Rosa, California.

I have no stress.

I have no worries.

I'm with my amazing parents.

And yet, I can't wait to get back to Provo, Utah.

...

Let me explain.

As time passes, and memories are made in varying places, home eventually becomes a simple location.

It's comfortable, it shelters loved ones, and yet, it's difficult to identify with.

So, when I say home isn't where the heart is, I'm really saying that:

My Home: is in her testimony

My Sister Wilks lives 2,000 miles away. I haven't seen her in 16 months. Despite these depressing facts, I feel closer to her now than I ever have. As I read her letters, the spirit heals my wounds. Her raw testimony bleeds Nephi strength, Joseph faith, and Hinkley determination.

I identify with that.

My Home: is in his growth and daily triumphs

With Cal living so close, I'm able to see him daily. This exposure allows me to feel his spirit while it goes through the flames. He faces trials, troubling things find him, Satan is his #1 fan. In the face of this reality, Calvin changes his perspective. He sees what he wants to see. He makes good of an impossible situation. He finds a trail at a dead end. It may not always be the right trail, it might contain a steep incline, but at least he's moving.

I identify with that.

My Home: is in their strength and undeniable love

These two people work so hard. Not only with work, not only with church, but in every aspect of life. They seriously give 100%, 100% of the time. No, they're not perfect, but they have a perfect desire to reach perfection. And the thing I love? They don't want to get there alone. So they spend their time serving those around them; always trying to better their neighbors' situation. They understand the importance of gathering the flock, and they do so with love, faith, and confidence.

That I identify with.

These are my people. Our hearts cover three different states. Our lives are all completely different; unique and difficult in their own way.

Home is so not where the heart is.

Home is where you're happy.

And I find my happiness in them.

-h

Can't Sleep

I'm ridiculous.

It's 3AM and I couldn't be more awake. Lucky for you, this insomnia will result in a painfully dull blog post.

Buckle up.

On my mind: the blessings of tithing.

Before this week, I'd never experienced anything significant as a result of being a full tithe payer. But boy, do I have a story for you...

So there I was, May 1st, with $10.95 in my abundant bank account. Gap's scheduling emails were M.I.A., Real Estate work was minimal, and with the lack of a vehicle, going out and finding new work was difficult.

Somehow, Hannah Bird Wilks had to come up with $320.00 by the 5th. I know, you're intrigued.

Moving on...

While any sane person would be freaking out at these monkey problems (reference "The Office" quotes), I was unusually calm. Some might say I was being apathetic. I on the other hand know that it was the Spirit gently assuring me that a reaction other than action wasn't necessary.

So action I took.

Each day, I worked random jobs for R.E. From painting walls, to trips to the dump, I was able to make a good amount of money.

May 5th. Rent's due. I was still short $90.00.

That morning, I went in to Gap, my only agenda: to figure out 1) if I was secretly fired and they figured the classiest way to tell me was to not tell me, and 2) if I wasn't fired, than WHAT THE HECK.

After a discussion with one of my managers, I learned that I'm still under their employ, and that they're not sure why the scheduling happened the way that it did. Cool.

"Oh, and we have a check for you, Hannah," Tim calls as I'm heading out the door.

Sweet, I think...a check totaling zero dollars and zero cents considering the fact that I didn't work a single shift in two weeks time.

I sit in my car, pouting, tired, stressed. I open up the pointless envelope.

$70.00.

Seriously?

$70.00.

WHAT!?

After dying laughing, I call my mom. (I had to celebrate with someone...).

It makes no sense. There's no logic to it. There's no explanation.

Other than you do your part, He does His.

We can give excuses, make exceptions, but when it comes down to it, we know what we need to do, and we're aware of the happiness available to us through obidience.

Simply beautiful, beautifully simple.

Looking forward to: World Cup 2010, the return of Ms. Sydney, a Brandy Stubbs reunion, a sandal tan, a new job, watermelon, and family time.

Also, Mother's Day. I'm sure it will be somewhat sad considering the fact that I won't be with my mom, but I love having a day where I can think about the person that makes my existence possible. Without her (and douglas) I would not be. I wouldn't have my spirit, my heart, my mind. My smile, my jaw line, my bad nails. I wouldn't have her strength, or her desire to be yet stronger.

Forget Mother's Day. It's Mommy's Day. MY Mommy's Day.

Heure de dormir.

Jusqu'a la fois prochaine...

Je t'aime ♥ Bonne nuit

Seriously?

Reasons why life is obnoxious:

-On our way to work this morning, Calvin, Janey, and I got seeeriously rear-ended. Hardcore. The car could be totaled, not sure yet. Nice.

-Right in the middle of beautiful summer weather, Provo decided to take a dump on us. Aka it's snowing/raining. Gross.

-My hair still smells like fire.

-Janey's smells worse.

-I have a lot to do but no way to do it without a car.

-Rent is due in 3 days and I'm broke.

-My favorite cousins are leaving Provo for the summer starting Saturday. Kill me?

-Gap and I are still experiencing a rough patch. Depressing.

Reasons why I'm just not going to care:

-Spending an entire week with my baby cousins fixes everything. Always.

-Having Janey as a wingman makes the worst of times the best of times.

-Calvin lives here. Nuf said.

-The babes and I are getting along great :)

-Sydney's letters keep me grounded and thankful.

-I learned that I'm decent at poker.

-C.C.Cookies from Legends. Yea.

So whatever. Life's in a bad mood, but luckily, I got people that always know how to make it laugh. And we all know that you can't stay mad when someone makes you laugh.

-bird

Sad Day

So I'm new to this blog thing, so this might be lame. But you're here, so just listen.

I'm writing from my cousin Janey's apartment. She and her roommates are prepping for move-out day. Ashton and Claire left yesterday-depressing. Janey and Courtney are leaving tomorrow. Luckily, they aren't peacing out of Provo quiiite yet. Courtney's staying through the spring and summer. Thank goodness. What would I do without her. Janey is sticking around for another week, then headed to MN. Oh, and after that, Fiji. Nbd though. Whatevs.

I'm incredibly sad to see us all doing our own thing this semester. F/W was so much fun. Insane memories, ridiculously late nights. We definitely had our fill of craziness.

(Janey's vacuuming right now. It smells like puke because of it. Cute).

Calvin gets to move into Konnor's apartment tomorrow. Fabulous. That place is a thousand times better already. The last roommates were seriously disgusting. They totes trashed the place.

I'm stoked that they live so close. It's going to be a rad summer.

Brooke moved out of myapartment yesterday as well. 1-305. The most outlandish group of girls you'll come across. She's simply moving south of campus, so it's not a major heart-breaker. Morgan and Malissa are staying through the summer. So happy about that. Having to meet/get along with a new batch of girls...? I'd rather be boiled alive.

Random Thoughts:

I missed a phone call from Ohio today. Aka- Sydney's companion. Shoot. Me. Now.

My apartment is literally, literally, spotless. Love it.

Gap hasn't scheduled me in two weeks. Can a business fire you, and just not tell you? Cold blooded.

The weather in Provo keeps playing hard-to-get. Quit being a player sun. Let's just be in a steady relationship.

That's all. Blog's are weird. But so am I. So we good.

xxxx's

-h