sydahney.

This little one came to visit me this weekend.

Let me tell you something about Ms. Sydney Anne.

She is in love. Not cute texts, obsessively affectionate, baby-talk love.

I mean the kind of love that makes her face brighter. The kind of love that gives her a perma-smile. The kind of love that's not only worthy of the temple, but it belongs in the temple.

No one is more deserving of this type of happiness than Syd. She's put in her time, trust me.

Watching this blessing grow in her life makes me so excited to eventually find my person.

It's amazing how beautiful love is when it's right.

I threw her a bridal shower with our friend Kara on Saturday. It was perfect. About 30 wonderful ladies came to support the bride-to-be, 20 of which were sisters from her mission. The strength and spirit they carry is tangible. I loved being around them. Sadly that sweet spirit was ruined when gift-opening time arrived. Barf-on-my-shoes.

Being the made of honor, I wrote down what she received from each of our guests, aiding the "thank you" card process....let's just just say I never want to write body paint, lube, or condoms, ever, EVER again.

I thought this would be fun...it's different when it's your sister. I'm terrified for when she throws me a shower. I'm going to hide in the closet.

Today is the sabbath, which seems to be one of the busiest days of the week. Got up at 5:30, went to church early for the Butterfields' (Syd's mission presidents) homecoming in South Jordan, went to their open house, drove to Provo in time for my meeting, got home-taught, went visiting teaching, planned a prank for my neighbors, (we're in the middle of a war...the guys are up by two..not ok), and then ward prayer and calling duties in an hour. What a perfect day of rest.

The wedding is in T-minus 20 days. Shoot.

I'm seriously going to be heartbroken if I can't figure out a way to kidnap a dentist and tape his stupid little knuckles to a pen.

Satan is a super talented guy, and it's driving me crazy. Oh well, it'll all work out. Ish.

That's all. I'm off to hunt down an expired fish. And a screwdriver. Wish me luck.

-h

"Utah Valley Pediatrics, this is Hannah..."

well hey.

catch up:

new job at the hospital; love it.

new home with new roommates; obsessed with it.

new goal; totally tackling it.

new brother-in-law; completely approve of it.

new hair; ya, i'm brunette now...nbd.

a lot more has happened and changed, but lets face it...you don't care.

i've been home alone for about two weeks now, with a brief intermission for a california christmas. if you know me well, you're aware of the fact that i adore good old fashioned alone time. i'm close to myself, i know what i like, more importantly, i know what i don't like...so i have a pretty good time on my own.

also, i'm single, so there's no one i have to answer to. i have a home, town, and life to myself this short while. and i won't lie, it's been awesome.

but.

being alone has awarded me some perspective on a life without loved ones.

say i didn't have a mother to call when i need to look busy while in an elevator with intimidating doctors.

say i didn't have a brother to text when i royally screw something up.

say i didn't have a sister to call and complain to when i hate everything and anything about life.

and say i didn't have a dad to run to when i realize just how small and helpless this 20 yr old girl really is.

what would you do? sure you have roommates, sure you have friends. but how far can they go to help? to the death like your family? absolutely not. and that's saying you're lucky enough to have selfless people around you daily.

if you lacked all aspects of a family in your life, i guarantee your wild, successful, bachelorette/bachelor lifestyle would be shadowed with a thin layer of sadness and longing. thin, making it difficult to identify.

so do yourself a favor and do what the Lord asks of us.

put your family before anything. put the goal of creating your family before anything.

pride, self-pity, jealousy, and anger have no place.

do away with them, and get close to your tribe, cause eternity is for freaking ever.

on a lighter note: i have 6 baby names picked out for myself already--middle name included.

embarrassing? yes. but more terrifying cause i'd have to have 6 kids to keep them all.

tragic.

i'm a little too in love with candles lately. feel a bit like i'm summoning my ancestors' spirits. mulan would totally be on board.

the holidays were pretty good this year. my family always surprises me at how funny they are. even if we weren't related, i'm positive i'd still be bff with syd and cal.

know any inexpensive dentists? that's the last step i take before i start sprinting.

that's all for now.

time for a steaming hot foot bath. i definitely stomped through shin-deep snow to get to my car after work. currently NOT feeling agreeable.

love etc.

Sunday

with syd being back, i have no one to write on sundays.

strangely i still have the urge to write/reflect on my life, so thank goodness for this silly thing.

i've had a good week.

followed some promptings, got mad blessings.

simple as that.

i have to move out of my apt the 20th and can't move into my new place til the 27th.

haha....ahhhhh ahahahah. aaahahahahah. this should be interesting.

i saw eat pray love yesterday.

oh man. i really wish i could spend time with liz. we speak the same language.

her life is an inspiration. the whole time while watching the movie, i was thinking, "man, if the missionaries got a hold of this woman, she could move mountains."

literally. she has energy, passion, vigor.

she's able to see how big she can become, yet remembering all the while how small she is.

a perfect balance of self confidence, and humility.

yea, i know it's just a movie based on a book. whatever.

it still forces you to take a look at your own crap.

what exactly do you do each day?

are you happy? are you even trying to find happiness?

if everyone in your life disappeared, would a "you" even remain? or are you so completely defined by those around you that you'd crumble in those first moments of desolation?

scary to think about.

for me, it changes day to day.

sometimes i feel the most powerful when i'm completely alone. sitting, walking, thinking. i'm very content in my own skin, in my own life, with my own relationship with my Heavenly Father. just as me. just hannah.

and then there are days when i'm with a sibling, or i'm talking to a parent on the phone, where i feel like i'm seven years old again...where if they left my side, i'd get scared, lost, and teary-eyed.

anyway....good thing we know what happens when we die.

someone tell liz.

there are some big things happening in my family right now. super exciting.

stressful, scary, but exciting.

it's way weird being two states away from those four freaks. i know for a fact that i'm supposed to be out here right now, but it does make me sad from time to time. especially with some of the changes that are rapidly taking place.

it's all good though. people are looking out for me...whether they know it or not.

one last thing from liz...and then i'll shut up. promise.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." (ahem...Heavenly Father..)

i love that.

so here's to life:

all the difficult, impossible pain that makes us breath deeper, see clearer, and love stronger.

observe the struggle, respect the crap, and reflect on the scars.

oh, and eat 4 krispy kreme at 2am.

i may or may not have done that last night :)

♥bird

Go to the Mattresses.

I went to the lake yesterday.
It was pretty legit, I won't lie.
But OH DANG. Some kind of Satan-Voldemort hybrid mosquito has ripped me to shreds.
I've seriously never had bites this bad. They're about four inches in diameter, mega swollen, and they hurt like no ones business. Well, my business I guess. But still.
I'm slightly worried because where the actual bite is, it's black.
Uhhhhh.

In other news..

MY SISTER IS HOME. It's ok I guess...
She's hilarious. Brilliant. Strong. Gorgeous. Silly. And most importantly, mine.
I can't wait for the next few months. Excellent things in store. That's for sure.

Life's been slightly irritating lately.
Making decisions is the worst. I'm quickly realizing that it's key in character growth, and spiritual exercise. The whole good, better, and best thing. It forces us to see what's most important. It forces us to move forward with faith in spite of any fears we may or may not have.
It's scary though, huh?
I second guess everything. I analyze everything.
I have these goals and dreams, but the little steps and tasks KILL me in the process.
I've had a lot of friends over the years, and I've seen how the smallest decision can aid, or thwart their once-set plans. It's shocking how a misplaced nail can make the entire house crumble.
So for now, I'll try to be patient with my stupid, immature, dweeb of a mind.
Hopefully you can be too.

I did my nails for the first time in...I don't know. Forever? I feel mega-girly. They're red. It's weird.

Summer's about to go into hibernation. I'm not happy, Bob.
However, the idea of seeing all my people again is insanely exciting. There's something about fall that I think resonates with everyone.
The scenery is fresh, new beginnings are under-way, and let's not forget bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils.
It's boss.

The other day I helped little Jackson Wilde with his spelling words.
It was the highlight of my week.
I swear, I'm going to have a bagillion kids. I can't get enough of them. They say some seriously funny things. And I can't help but smile when I hangout with them.
Obviously, there are moments when I'm around a heinous toddler who's screaming at an inhumane decibel, where I think "OH. NEVER. NEVEERRRR."
But then I see them reach up and grab hold of their mothers' elbow as if it's the only thing that they want, and my mind changes to "That's the only thing I want."
I think it'll all work out.

That's about it.
Football's starting up soon. Happy.
Amazing things are at my fingertips. Anxious.
I'm proving myself to myself these days. Intimidating.
Just working hard isn't enough anymore. Game on.

This little lambs' becoming a lion :)

CTR lovers.

-h

finally.

this is what i've missed.

this is what i love.

♥

it's been a good week, people.

Ummmm

California is incredible.

...to be continued.

watch yourself.

i don't like being lied to.
blatant lies, white lies, or, my least favorite, half truths.
why do people feel comfortable lying to others? does it not occur to them that the truth can and will come to the surface?
plain and simple: don't lie.
the aftermath is embarrassing. and leaves you looking like a straight fool.
yes, you look like a fool.

...anyway...

the world cup was fantastic. our boys were inspiring. legends in the making, to say the least.
the outcomes reminded me of some of my high school games. the frantic energy that comes when you're looking at a "must-comeback" situation. that unmatched high that comes when you get the job done. you and your team, making it happen. making the impossible happen. it's a feeling i miss.
it's made me realize that i want to constantly live my life fueled with that emotion. my daily life. not just the moments where intensity and courage are required, but the moments where they're not even expected. where they seem almost foolish for showing up. cause the way i see it? every day can be seen as remarkable. as historic. as a story that i can not only remember to tell my kids, but i'll want to tell my kids. so hannah starts now. try it with me?

i'm really loving summer. i think i'm just happier over-all when the sun is shining on my face.
mosquitos bites on the other hand? not a fan. it's a life-long struggle. i went hot tubbing for fifteen minutes the other night, and left with about 7 bites.
war zone.

i've been trying to be more open to boys lately.
whoa, what?
yea. i know. weird.
if you know me, you know i'm not a fan of meeting/dating random people etc.
but yes. i'm trying.
so far, i find it exhausting. stressful. a bit on the annoying side, but still good i'd say.
i see these loud flirty girls all over the place, jumping from one guy to the next. how do they do it? how do they trust people so readily, and put themselves out there so easily?
i think i'm a pessimist at heart. i assume the worst from guys when i first meet them. it's wired into my brain that they'll hurt me, use me, or waste my time.
don't think that i'm rude...i've simply gained this knowledge through experience.
so the game plan: make new experiences so that the old ones become obsolete.
or something like that.
whatever.

in twelve days, i'll be home in california. in thirteen days, i'll be home in california with mom, dad, syd, and cal. all {five} of us. unreal? yes. the youngest of the wilks couldn't be happier about this. do you guys understand how funny the four of them are? a wilks family dinner is like last comic standing. minus some painfully bad one-liners and the over priced judges. but keep the good lighting. chistiana has good taste in lamps.
they really are amazing.
and i love that i can say "if you know them, you know me"
how many people can say that? or would want to say that?
hannah bird wilks lucked out in heaven.

one more thing...
being nice to everyone makes you powerful.
so try it.
show some love. show some respect. show some humanity.
it builds muscle.
"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well" -Voltaire.

-h