"...i love you. see ya, bye."

i'm getting good at enjoying my "lasts."
last hurrah with friends, last time playing soccer with kathryn, last night at sue's, last night in provo, last laugh with someone, last cry with someone else.
i hate them, but looking back, i've learned to love them. so i'm sure i'll be able to love this at some point...
the last blogadog post.
the past few weeks have been more intense than the past few years.
why? too many reasons to explain. some, too personal to share. but i can say that they all stem from those same three constants in my life:
my testimony, my family, and my dear, dear friends.
they're always the origin for my personal growth; the perspective i gain, the knowledge i absorb, the compassion i discover.
to say that i'm thankful doesn't work. i'm thankful for toothpaste. i'm thankful for snooze buttons. no, my gratitude for these three things is deeper than a word. i owe my all to them. every success, every achievement. every remarkable experience in my history was brought to fruition through them. and every hope i have for my future is in place because of them.
as june 22nd gets closer, i'm able to stay poised knowing that these three things will always be there. no matter what.

sure, there are things that i'll miss.

seeing courtney's toothbrush sitting on my counter, sitting on claire and maddies' beds talking about our non-existent love lives, hearing elizabeth call my name, saying nonsense words to adam and hayley, spending hours laughing with janey and anders, nodding along while drew and konnor make fun of me, dying at how pathetic my life is while talking to sydney, explaining why i'm laughing after i look up from a text from calvin, answering the phone 4 times a day, knowing it's either my mom or dad, the beautiful sound of silence when you're outside all by yourself.

but there are things i look forward to.

the vulnerability that forces you to open up to strangers, the exhaustion that shows you how hard you've worked, the sincere tears in a persons' eyes that quietly confirm gratitude, the natural high brought about through effective studying, scars on your feet that mark how far you've walked, defeat that shows you've at least tried, hysterical laughter that comes when you ask your companion "WHAT AM I DOING," the moment when everything you've been taught, everything you've studied, simply becomes second nature.

good times in store. rough times in store. if you have a little time to spare, write me a letter. tell me what you're up to. i need to hear that the people i love are happy. it sustains me.
you'll be in my prayers. you'll be on my mind.

see you in 2012.
i love you, see ya bye
h.

Whole foods

Sitting with my dad at whole foods in slc right now.

On the table: bagels and cream cheese, iPad, wallet, keys.

On our minds: mission stories, family, memories, the future.

Does it get any better? No.

Will I remember this forever? Yes.

some things i don't understand.

why do i try so hard to be girly and paint my nails when they just chip after two hours?
why do people stare at cafe rio?
why is it that the more i learn, the more i realize how much i don't know?
why does it take me so long to fall asleep?
why do i wait until i'm completely out of toiletries to then buy more?
why do people still smoke cigarettes?
why is provo so obsessed with trends?...cupcakes, frozen yogurt..
why am i so bad at blogging?
why doesn't the state of utah recycle?
we always try to show strangers our best selves, and then revert to our flawed, lazy everyday lives; don't we deserve our best selves daily?
why didn't i get braces?
why do people leave voicemails saying "call me back"...i see that you called..i will call you back.
why does the weather affect my mood so severely?
why do i write all my missionaries letters and NEVER send them?
why did we have to learn cursive?
why do i get such satisfaction out of finding new, unknown music?
why is rejection so dang scary? what the heck do i have to lose?
why do i have so much more fun when i'm in sweats and a tee than when i'm all done up?
why don't i always wear my glasses?...it's nice to realize who i'm waving to.
why do some mormons swear?
why is it that the more weddings i go to, the more i just want to elope?
why do i get my best sleep when i'm laying flat on the floor like a 3 yr old?
why is it impossible for me to speak without abbreviations and accents?
why do i feel like i'm going to have no friends when i come home from the mission?

...

...there's a lot more where that came from...

one month from today, i'll be sittin in the mtc with a goofy orange sticker on my name tag.
i don't want to deal with goodbyes. i might just sneak my way out of provo.
i'll probably never see my people again anyway, so....no harm no foul, right? they'll be busy with their spouses and babies. so we're good.

that's all i got.
xo, h.

la vie que je mene.

Meet one of my new roomies.

Her name is Elizabeth.

We're best friends.

I found a new apt earlier this month, but, well...turns out I found the only drug-addict mother in Provo, UT. So I got outta that contract right quick and moved in with the coolest family I know.

The Wynns :)

Dr. Greg Wynn

Suepie

Adam

Hayley

Scottie

Kathryn

& Elizabeth.

Needless to say, life is a little too perfect right now. We play all day long. The girls sleep in my room and tell me their secrets. Sue and I are twins. Dr. Greg and I joke about work. I tease Adam about girls. Helped him get ready for his first dance tonight. Tied his bowtie.

Hangin with my lil cousins makes me beyond excited to have kids. I watch Sue, and see how hard it is just to maintain sanity, but the rewards are overwhelming. Her kids love her so. much.

My work schedule is getting a little outta hand lately. I live in scrubs. I speak in permanent baby voice. The anxious mothers who come in talk to me like we're friends now. Like we can relate. Bad news: I'm not married..I don't have kids..but glad I can comfort them while they vent.

My social life is a joke, but I'm kind of loving it that way. My friends are all mad at me. But..they'll forget all about my existence in approximately 2 months anyway.

Oh did I mention that yet...? Orlando, Florida :) Sunshine State. My companions and I will be biking, sweating, laughing, crying. But most importantly, we'll be giving the Lord our best effort to change the lives of those we meet. We'll be opening our hearts to strangers, hoping they return the favor. Am I scared? No doubt. Am I worried? Not at all. I know Heavenly Father loves me...He doesn't want me to look like a fool. It's going to be impossibly difficult, but He'll make it worth it.

Did a little shopping for mission clothes...hated it. There are certain things that you need to do with your mother:

Learning how to shave your legs

Deciding when to start tweezing your eyebrows

Picking your first day of school outfit

SHOPPING FOR MISSION CLOTHES

Deciding if a boy is 'thee' boy

Picking your wedding dress..

etc.

I need my momma. Visit?

Random:

I stayed home and watched Tangled tonight instead of going to a huge 90's party. Not even mad about it.

It's snowing outside. I could probably cry.

The Warriors beat the Lakers. Enough said.

The Giants are back. They're always the good part of my day.

I can't remember the last time my socks matched. Why?

I still want to invent new packaging for cheese. Dad, I'm serious...I WILL change the world one day.

After 21 years, I finally tried a pear. My life continues to lack mystery.

My list of things to do before I die keeps getting bigger and bigger. A good thing, or a bad thing?

Deuces

xo//xo

the highlight reel.

wisdom teeth: out.

i got lucky. didn't really swell. didn't really hurt. i feel like i paid $200.00 to remove 4 teeth, and the other $700.00 went toward the stories i got out of it.

they're worth

every. penny.

best friend: reunited.

brandy stubbs flew in from mississippi to watch her older brother doug get married this past weekend.

the wedding was a nice side note to our idiotic adventures in slc.

sitting in the park, getting lost with the sunroof open, parking in front of fire hydrants and thanking the Lord the cops didn't notice.

snuggling in bed, laughing at nothing, crying at something.

i've missed my person.

lil sis: in love with.

meet brooke. brandy's little sister. she is beautiful, talented, hilarious.

already a heart-breaker.

good girl :)

youngins: all growed up.

my sr lovers. so many memories. so much history. a marriage, a baby on the way, a mission call, and an engaged man. we've come a long....long........lonnnnnggg way.

proud of all of us.

honka: a necessity.

she keeps me focused. she sees me without my flaws. she gives me perspective when i'm grumpy, strength when i'm over it, and reality checks when i'm dreamin with a broken heart.

thanks for being my babysitter.

tomorrow i'm meeting my soulmate.

it's the mailman.

he don't know it yet, be we're in love.

xo//xo

h

times like these

i have a lot of friends. close friends. we know everything about each other, we discuss, analyze, and share ev er y thing. but i only realized lately that i do a lot of listening and advice giving and not a lot of advice receiving. not sure why that is.

cause sometimes...like tonight...i really need it.

and that's why i'm thankful for my sweetheart courtney honka.

the past two days have been awful. impossible. an intense test of my faith. i'll share the list of issues i faced soon...

but at the end of the day:

my interview is over

my papers are in

and while it's impossible to describe how thoroughly happy i feel, it's equally impossible to share how powerful satan is.

i'm instantly thinking i'm not cut out for this. i'm not spiritual enough. the most amazing people i know AREN'T going on missions, what does that tell me..?

all such stupid thoughts. all coating the back of my mind.

and then...

"don't let yourself have those thoughts or get discouraged or down about it...its the right decision for you, you know that, the Lord has told you, and although satan's provided obstacles and tried to prohibit you, the Lord has made it possible and provided a way for you to get everything done you need to and tomorrow is the last big step! He loves you, there are soo many things that prove it! He wants you out in the field on His side fighting for the right and against satan. You're more an example than you know hannah bird, don't be afraid of being completely amazing."

what would i do without my people? not much.

thank you to everyone who has helped me reach the potential Heavenly Father has designed for me. the smallest most pointless gestures have truly made all the difference.

i know it sounds dramatic, and sappy, but im not good at expressing myself when it comes to overwhelming love.

and that's what i'm feeling.

just know that if you're in my life, it's because i need you in my life.

so stay.

surgery in t-minus 8 hours. sleepytime.

♥bird

...and then there were six...

meet a boy. act silly. fall in love. fall away. grow up. show up. make decisions. make it work. say yes. say forever.

♥

seems simple enough. can't wait for my turn.

it really was the perfect wedding. no disasters, heartbreak, disappointment, or regret.

sure, it wasn't 75 degrees and sunny, but hey, rain on the wedding day is good luck, right?

i feel like weddings are successful when it's easy to see that a marriage will be successful.

syd and adam carry with them an obvious strength. both key children of our Heavenly Father. dedicated, independent, humble, selfless.

they put the Lord first in all that they do, and truly, that's the main thing that makes a marriage work.

proud to be related to such a force.

can't wait for my titan nieces and nephews.

best news of the day: they're moving here in a week. never been so excited to be a third wheel.

in other news...

i should get my call in about two weeks. strangely enough, the closer it gets, the calmer i feel.

it's an amazing feeling, when your expectations match reality.

it refreshes your life. clears your mind.

lets all kinds of inspiration pour through.

my gratitude to the Lord is overwhelming lately...just to be blessed with the opportunity to serve.

for the guidance i've received through the entire preparation process.

it's almost too much to handle. i don't deserve it.

..here's to the best 18 months of my life..

xo//xo

h

ps: the innocent sister i once had. now she's a smelly old wife.

bisous!

finished.

Oh hey, check it out, i'm a missionary...

...i wish.

BUT...my papers are 100% completed. Having that stress lifted off my shoulders is an amazing feeling. I nearly started crying at the dentist today. Kind of embarrassing, but kind of awesome. It's nice living in Provo...you don't have to explain yourself as much, especially when it comes to feeling the Spirit at bizarre times of the day. I hate that I don't keep a daily journal because the number of blessings I've received these past few months is astonishing.

Heavenly Father knows me so well. He knows what I feel, think, dream about...He knows what I want out of life, and what I think I deserve. He knows what I need, knows how to help, knows when I can stand a little struggle. He's definitely thrown me a few curve balls, but He understands that that's when I do my best learning...when I have to adapt and make a new plan.

I also gotta say how thankful I am for personal revelation. If i didn't feel the importance and need of me serving a mission, there's no WAY I'd be going. It's been such a steep climb to get to where I am...ignoring all of it would have been so much easier.

But I know I have to go.

I'm nervous for the unknown, but not at all fearful. That's what keeps me going.

We're down to 10 days til the wedding. BUT before we celebrate that, we must focus on the SOCIAL EVENT OF THE YEAR.

SIR DOUGLAS & HIS DAY OF BIRTH.

Trust me people. It's gunna be wild.

I can already see the scrabble chips flying around, frosting all stuck up in mustaches....

Go crazy baby.

Randoms:

-I hope my dress for the wedding still fits. I just ate a whole sea's worth of sushi.

-I wish I was Mary Poppins. I have laundry for days.

-Silent, unseen patches of ice seem to always find me.

-Kind of irritated that I got my facebook back. It's a joke.

-Jimmer

♥bird

sydahney.

This little one came to visit me this weekend.

Let me tell you something about Ms. Sydney Anne.

She is in love. Not cute texts, obsessively affectionate, baby-talk love.

I mean the kind of love that makes her face brighter. The kind of love that gives her a perma-smile. The kind of love that's not only worthy of the temple, but it belongs in the temple.

No one is more deserving of this type of happiness than Syd. She's put in her time, trust me.

Watching this blessing grow in her life makes me so excited to eventually find my person.

It's amazing how beautiful love is when it's right.

I threw her a bridal shower with our friend Kara on Saturday. It was perfect. About 30 wonderful ladies came to support the bride-to-be, 20 of which were sisters from her mission. The strength and spirit they carry is tangible. I loved being around them. Sadly that sweet spirit was ruined when gift-opening time arrived. Barf-on-my-shoes.

Being the made of honor, I wrote down what she received from each of our guests, aiding the "thank you" card process....let's just just say I never want to write body paint, lube, or condoms, ever, EVER again.

I thought this would be fun...it's different when it's your sister. I'm terrified for when she throws me a shower. I'm going to hide in the closet.

Today is the sabbath, which seems to be one of the busiest days of the week. Got up at 5:30, went to church early for the Butterfields' (Syd's mission presidents) homecoming in South Jordan, went to their open house, drove to Provo in time for my meeting, got home-taught, went visiting teaching, planned a prank for my neighbors, (we're in the middle of a war...the guys are up by two..not ok), and then ward prayer and calling duties in an hour. What a perfect day of rest.

The wedding is in T-minus 20 days. Shoot.

I'm seriously going to be heartbroken if I can't figure out a way to kidnap a dentist and tape his stupid little knuckles to a pen.

Satan is a super talented guy, and it's driving me crazy. Oh well, it'll all work out. Ish.

That's all. I'm off to hunt down an expired fish. And a screwdriver. Wish me luck.

-h